The Room Inside: Meeting My Younger Self with Compassion

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🕊 The Room, the Wall, and the Dance of Co-Regulation

Inside my mind, there's a room. It started as an image in therapy, a space where my younger self existed — isolated, frightened. A place with no doors, no windows. Just grey walls and silence.

But over time, that room began to change.

A door appeared.

Then windows.

Light entered.

And for the first time, I could speak to the child inside — the younger version of me. I could sit with her. I could listen. I began imagining knocking down the wall that separates her world from the open, warm feeling of a living room — a safe, shared space. I wished I could free her. I still do.

This process — of visualizing the inner child and slowly transforming their environment — is a therapeutic technique used in inner child work, guided imagery, and Internal Family Systems (IFS). But it's also deeply tied to a concept called co-regulation.

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💞 What Is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation is when two people help regulate each other’s emotions in a shared, back-and-forth rhythm — like a dance. It’s a mutual process of calming, adjusting, and connecting emotionally.

In early life, it’s what happens between babies and caregivers:

• The infant cries.

• The caregiver picks them up, softens their voice, uses soothing touch.

• The baby feels safe, mirrored, and begins to calm.

Over time, this repeated exchange teaches the child that emotions are manageable — through the support of others, and eventually on their own.

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👶 Teaching Emotional Regulation in Children

Children don’t learn to manage emotions by being told “calm down.”
They learn through co-regulation — through the presence and attunement of caregivers who mirror their emotions and guide them gently.

Here’s how:

• Mirroring: “You’re really sad right now.” (Validation)

• Guidance: “Let’s take a few deep breaths together.” (Supportive coping)

• Consistency: Routines and safe connection build security.

Children internalize these patterns and slowly develop their own tools — like redirecting attention, hugging a toy, breathing, or asking for help.

Programs like Emotion Coaching and Circle of Security are based on this. They emphasize that:

• Children need their emotions seen before they can manage them.

• Emotional safety is built through calm presence and mutual trust.

• Regulation is a dyadic dance, not a solo performance.

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🧘‍♀️ Emotional Regulation in Parents: The Hidden Backbone

For co-regulation to truly work, the adult must first be able to regulate themselves.

Photo by Birmingham Museums Trust on Unsplash

That means:

• Staying calm even when the child is upset.

• Managing your own stress responses (not yelling, shutting down, or over-controlling).

• Knowing when to pause, breathe, or step away for a moment to reset.

Why this matters:

• Children pick up emotional cues from their caregivers instantly.

• If a parent is reactive, chaotic, or emotionally unavailable, the child learns that big feelings are unsafe or unmanageable.

• If a parent can model calmness and stay emotionally available, the child learns that feelings are temporary, and connection is still possible even in hard moments.

Parental self-regulation is not about being perfect.
It’s about being real, grounded, and willing to return to connection.
Even after a rupture.

That’s why tools like:

• Deep breathing,

• Body awareness,

• Naming your own emotions (“I’m feeling overwhelmed, I need a moment to calm down”),

• 

  Photo by Birmingham Museums Trust on Unsplash

  And self-compassion

…are not just helpful for you — they’re essential for your child’s emotional development.

A regulated adult creates a regulating environment.

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🧬 In Adulthood: Co-Regulation Continues

In adult relationships, co-regulation is more balanced. We comfort each other. We hold space. We soothe and are soothed. This can happen through:

• Gentle touch

• Soft words

• Shared breath

• Even silence and presence

Bonding hormones like oxytocin, endorphins, and dopamine are released during these interactions — reinforcing connection, calming the nervous system, and creating emotional safety.

Just as a child learns from a parent, adults regulate each other in close partnerships — emotionally and physiologically.

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Photo by Birmingham Museums Trust on Unsplash

🕯️ Doing This Work Alone

Can you do this without a therapist?
Yes. But gently. Softly. Respectfully.

If you:

• Go slowly

• Ground yourself (touch, sound, breath)

• Use journaling or visualization

• Treat your inner child with warmth, not judgment

…then it can be safe and meaningful.

But if you begin to feel overwhelmed, lost, or disconnected from reality — that’s when support matters. Therapy is not weakness; it's co-regulation in its most intentional form.

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🌿 Final Thought

The room in your mind is real — because what it represents is real.
The wish to tear down the wall, to open the space, to make it feel like a living room — that’s a wish for safety, connection, and freedom.

That wish is healing.

That room is changing.

And you’re not alone — because within you, the adult and the child are learning to dance together.

And that’s the essence of co-regulation.

💮With Care,
Elli