The Mirror Stage

At some point, you get tired of hearing how “great” you are —
"You’re so talented!"
"You’re beautiful, but you’d be even prettier if you lost some weight..."
"If you just worked harder, you could do so much more.”

So many “if only you were…”
So many rules, so many expectations, and so many directions.

But no one really shows you how to deal with yourself first.
No one teaches you how to slow down, absorb the information life throws at you, and ask:
Does this even fit me?
What do I feel?
How can I use this to understand myself, not fix myself?

Even those who love you — they can still hurt you, unintentionally, quietly.
There’s pressure even in care.                                                              Photo by Allec Gomes on Unsplash

So I started watching. Listening.
To people. To places. To myself.

I began using tools I learned from theatre — observing the “scene” around me, tuning into emotions, studying behavior like a character in a play.

I saw how different “me” was from the version others seemed to expect.

I realized that what I want, what I need, and what I can do aren’t always the same thing.

That realization brought me to psychology, not just as therapy, but as a lens.
Why do I feel like this? Why do I react this way? What story am I repeating?

That’s when I began to truly understand myself. And that’s when everything started to shift.

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✨ Where You Can Start Too

Photo by Denise Jans on Unsplash

If you’re reading this and wondering, “Where do I even begin?”, here are some gentle paths to explore. There’s no one-size-fits-all. Let yourself be curious:

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1. 🪞 Self-Inquiry

This is the quiet, inward practice of asking questions like:

 

“What am I feeling?” “Where does this belief come from?” “Is this mine, or someone else’s expectation?”

It’s about turning toward yourself with curiosity rather than judgment.

🔎 Tools: journaling, mindfulness, somatic check-ins
📚 Start with: Byron Katie – “The Work” or Toko-pa Turner – “Belonging”

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2. 🧩 Inner Work

Inner work is about healing the parts of you that learned to hide, shrink, or freeze to survive.
It invites you to meet your inner child, your wounds, your protectors — and bring them all into the light.

💡 Can include therapy, parts work, trauma-informed approaches
📚 Explore: “Homecoming” by John Bradshaw, Internal Family Systems (IFS) by Richard Schwartz

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3. 🌿 Personal Development

This is the broader journey of learning new skills, building supportive habits, and becoming the version of you that feels aligned.

🌱 Includes: coaching, life design, habit-building
📚 Try: Atomic Habits by James Clear, Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett & Dave Evans

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4. 🎭 Reflective Practice

This is often used in creative or educational work — a regular habit of reflecting on your experiences to grow.

As someone drawn to theatre, this resonated deeply with me. I learned to observe the “scenes” of my life like a performer — tuning in to relationships, environments, and subtle cues.

🪞 It’s a gentle, structured way of learning from your own life.
📚 Explore: “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron

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5. 🔬 Transformational Learning

This is where it all came together for me.
When I started understanding myself, I had so many questions about why humans are the way we are. That’s when I found something that changed everything:

📺 Robert Sapolsky’s Stanford Lectures on Human Behavioral Biology

These lectures explore how biology, neurochemistry, evolution, culture, and environment shape us.
They didn’t give me all the answers — but they gave me better questions to ask.

🧠 They helped me shift from “What’s wrong with me?” to “What shaped me?”
They made me realize how layered and complex we are as humans.

📚 Also read: “Behave” by Robert Sapolsky
This is a perfect path for people who want a blend of science and soul, body and mind.

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🌼 Final Thought: There Is No “Late”

You’re not behind.
You’re not broken.
You’re unfolding.

Sometimes the biggest progress is simply choosing to look within before looking around.

And if you need a place to start, start here.
With your feelings.
With a question.
With the courage to ask:
What if the most important work… is understanding me?

-With Elli-