🕊️ Forgiveness: A Path to Healing, Not a Shortcut

Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is one of the most tender, powerful, and misunderstood human experiences. It’s not about saying “It’s okay” when something wasn’t. It’s about releasing yourself from the weight of pain so it doesn’t define your life.

Forgiveness is the intentional choice to stop carrying resentment, anger, guilt, or shame—whether toward others or yourself. It’s not a one-time act, but a process that unfolds in its own time, when you feel safe enough to begin.

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🌱 Why Do We Forgive?

We forgive not to excuse harm, but to free ourselves from its grip.

• To stop reliving what hurt us.

• To reclaim our peace.

• To live forward, not backward.

Forgiveness can bring relief, peace, empowerment, and emotional clarity. It can help us breathe again, let go of bitterness, and rediscover parts of ourselves hidden beneath anger or pain.

But forgiveness is not always easy. And it’s not always the right time.

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⚠️ When Forgiveness Can Become Toxic

Sometimes, we’re pressured to forgive too soon—before we’re ready, before we feel safe, or before the harm has stopped. That’s called toxic forgiveness.

❌ Toxic forgiveness happens when we:

• Silence our own pain to please others

• Feel obligated to ''move on'' too quickly

• Forgive people who haven’t taken responsibility

• Reconnect with someone still causing harm

Forgiveness without boundaries isn’t healing—it’s self-abandonment.

You can forgive without forgetting, and you can forgive without reconciling. Forgiveness can include walking away, setting limits, or never seeing the person again. It’s about releasing pain, not inviting more.

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🧨 But What If We Don’t Forgive?

Holding onto pain can also become toxic.

Unforgiveness is sometimes necessary at first. Anger and grief are valid reactions to harm. But when we stay stuck in them for years—when the pain becomes our identity—we begin to suffer in new ways:

• We ruminate constantly

• We carry tension and bitterness

• We shut others out or push people away

• We lose trust in others and in ourselves

In these cases, not forgiving becomes its own kind of prison—not punishment for them, but for us.

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🧠 When to Ask for Professional Help

You don’t have to do this alone.

Some wounds need witnessing, validation, and guidance to be released safely. If any of these apply, consider working with a trauma-informed therapist or counselor:

• The harm involved abuse, manipulation, or betrayal
• You feel stuck in shame or guilt
• You're struggling with anger, fear, or trust
• You’ve been told to ''just forgive'' before you're ready
• You want to forgive but don’t know how

Forgiveness is a path that often requires support and slowness. There is no rush. You are allowed to take your time.

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💬 What Does It Feel Like to Forgive?

People who have walked the path of forgiveness often describe it like this:

• A weight lifted off my chest.

• I felt free, like I could finally breathe again.

• I stopped being the victim in my own story.

• It didn’t make what happened okay. But it made me okay.

At first, there may be grief, confusion, or fear. But over time, forgiveness brings peace, closure, self-respect, and the ability to move forward with an open heart.

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💬 What Does It Feel Like to Be Forgiven?

If you’ve ever been forgiven, you might recognize these feelings:

• Relief: Letting go of shame or guilt you carried for too long.

• Humility: Realizing you’ve been given grace you didn’t expect.

• Gratitude: A quiet thank-you that stays with you.

• Motivation to change: Wanting to grow, to do better, to honor the forgiveness you were given.

Forgiveness—whether received or given—reminds us that being human means being imperfect but redeemable.

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🧭 How Can You Start the Journey of Forgiveness?

You don’t need to know exactly how. You just need a willingness to explore.

🪞 What You’ll Need:

• Emotional safety (you don’t have to forgive someone who’s still hurting you)

• Validation of your pain (your story matters)

• Space and time

• Support (from a therapist, mentor, spiritual guide, or trusted friend)

✍️ Gentle Ways to Begin:

• Journal: “What would it mean to forgive them—and myself?”

• Reflect: “What am I still carrying? Do I want to put it down?”

• Talk: Share your pain with someone who will listen without rushing you.

• Read: Learn from others who have walked the path (see books below)

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📚 Want to Go Deeper? Start With These Books

• “The Book of Forgiving” – Desmond Tutu & Mpho Tutu

• “How Can I Forgive You?” – Janis Abrahms Spring

• “Why Won’t You Apologize?” – Harriet Lerner

• “The Gifts of Imperfection” – Brené Brown

• “Trauma and Recovery” – Judith Herman

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🌺 Final Thoughts   

Forgiveness is not forgetting.
It’s not pretending.
It’s not about the other person changing.

It’s about choosing peace over bitterness.
Courage over fear.
Freedom over pain.

And you don’t have to walk that road alone.
You can ask for help.
You can take your time.
You can choose—when, how, and if—you want to forgive.

You are worthy of healing, in your own way, on your own terms.

-With Elli-

     Photo by Simon HUMLER on Unsplash