🌸 Why Is It So Hard to Treat Ourselves Kindly?

Some days, even when we try our best, it feels oddly difficult to say:

“I’m proud of myself. I deserve rest. I deserve a treat.”

If you’ve ever found yourself struggling to reward yourself — or even just sit with your own effort — you’re not alone. For many of us, especially those who are deeply empathetic, neurodivergent, or grew up without consistent emotional support, self-kindness doesn’t come naturally. But why?

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✨ What’s Really Stopping Us from Treating Ourselves?

1. Low Self-Worth & Inner Critic Messages

Many of us carry old messages like:

“I’m only allowed to rest when I’ve done enough.”
Or worse:
“I don’t deserve good things.”

These thoughts often come from childhood experiences of conditional love or perfectionist environments. Over time, we internalize the belief that joy, softness, and care must be earned — instead of simply being part of life.

2. Perfectionism & Shame

If you grew up associating value with achievement, it might feel wrong to reward yourself unless everything was done perfectly. Any mistake — even a small one — can cancel the whole day in your mind.

Shame whispers:

“Don’t get too comfortable.”
“You could have done better.”

But perfectionism isn’t a motivator. It’s often a shield from rejection — and it’s one that blocks joy.

3. Neurodivergence: ADHD, ASD, or Depression

Sometimes, it’s not a mindset problem — it’s brain chemistry.
People with ADHD or depression often experience reward processing difficulties. That means even if they complete something big, the “feel-good” doesn’t register the same way it might for others.

This isn’t laziness or entitlement. It’s a real biological mismatch. And it’s exhausting.

4. Hyper-Independence & Caregiver Roles

Many of us learned to meet others’ needs, but not our own. If you've always been the strong one, the helper, the responsible person — it can feel almost selfish to rest, celebrate, or soften.

We might think:

“Others need more than me.”
“I’ll rest when everything’s done.”
But everything is never done.

5. Trauma: When Pleasure Doesn’t Feel Safe

For some, even joy feels unfamiliar — or even dangerous. If your nervous system has learned that stillness means threat, or that reward is followed by punishment, then self-kindness can feel scary.

It takes time to rewire your body to receive.

🌿 So... What Helps?

The first step is understanding that you’re not broken. You’re adapting. And you can learn to treat yourself with the same care you offer others.

🧭 Ask Yourself

• What feels soothing, not overwhelming?

• What did I love as a child?

• What helps me feel like myself again?

🌸 Closing Thought Treating yourself kindly isn’t indulgent. It’s healing. It’s reclaiming a part of you that has long been waiting to be held with softness. You’re not selfish for needing rest. You’re not lazy for needing joy. You’re human. And you deserve to feel okay — even before you finish the to-do list. If this resonates, I’d love to hear: What’s one gentle reward you could offer yourself today? With Elli